I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE