time for some seasonal decor
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.