1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
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Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
couldn’t resist
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!