*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
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Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.