Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…