Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
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riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
emergency phone
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist