Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
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Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?