*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
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I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
yeet
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.