*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.