I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
You Might Also Like
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
best first i’ve ever seen
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..