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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign