“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings