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BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Can. I. Help. You.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.