You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this