I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
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Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Waiting for the Charmin
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Netflix: We have Less
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man