You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
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