“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
You Might Also Like
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW