Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
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Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit