my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
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My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec