I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Boating season is upon us.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.