“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Never forget.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I unironically love this joke.