MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
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“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.