“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
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Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.