I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit