Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
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My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Everything reminds me of my ex
These work great until they don’t.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm