Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
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Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
ouch
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life