Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
You Might Also Like
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Thursday
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink