If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
why no one uses midhusbands
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
LOL
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*