[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
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The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
dictator is short for richard potato
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild