Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
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fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
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Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Oh hi lol