No, I don’t think I will.
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COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.