I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I know this now 😂
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head