GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
You Might Also Like
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….