I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*