My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
This checks out
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
is this store having a stroke wtf