Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
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Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Wise advice
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Ovenable?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer