i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
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[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies