[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
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dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Facebook memories be like
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.