[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
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Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.