My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
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To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”