Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
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If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.