don’t we all
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule