The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
You Might Also Like
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Zack Greinke stories are the best
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?