The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
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My inexpensive home security system…
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how