My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
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Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
#oldknees
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.