roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Don’t make me out nice you.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.