Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
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Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!