I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
This kid is going places
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics