God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
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My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
“Huge”.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
for all #parents out there
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.