OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
You Might Also Like
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned